am i that hard to love?

why is it too hard for you to make me happy?

i only need a little lovin’ !

a simple greeting with a little smile!

i don’t demand roses!

i don’t demand sweet notes!

i don’t want any stuffed things!

i only need your words to comfort me…

but then again, i know you’re a brute…

you only care about yourself!

you spoil me with your boyish charm for a day,

and leaves me hangin’ by a thread the next!

can you be more unpredictable?

i made all effort to look my best on this day,

yet you never cared to turn your head!

so this is absolutely unacceptable!

but i will have my moment of victory with you…

watch me do my own thing…

you will regret letting this uber-ly romantic day pass!

i will make you fall down to your knees, i promise!

this is supposedly my first valentine with you…

yet, you treated it like another dull day in your life…

i am not just any fish in the sea…

i’m a mermaid, i am special…

you should know that by now!

my flavor of the week!

this yummy thing is called kim beom… he’s a seventeen-year-old-actor in south korea…

i accidentally found him in one forum while i was looking for a hairstyle for my new look this year…

hmmm… *drools* i know you want him too!

p.s. one of my korean students in seattle is also called beom/bom… but she’s a girl… she said it means spring in korean…

a day after christmas, i went out with zoe (my sis) and corina (a friend)… we watched zsazsa zaturnnah at SM and, boy, it was a blast… i was drooling over zsazsa padilla’s lipoed body and pops fernandez’ skinny legs… ash inn! tulo pati dugo ug singot sa akong kaibog! i can only say one thing: PUNYEMAS! DOLPHY, ANG SWERTE MO!

and rustom also sucked the guts out of me… siyeeet, he looked better than carmina villaroel! ganun ba talaga yun, nagiging kamukha mo yung ex-wife mo after annulment?! basta, pasalamat sya bakla ang loka! shokla, lami kaayo kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! patilaw bi!

early this morning i had my lungs checked again for pneumonia… the x-ray result says negative, and the doctor thinks that my coughing is just an allergic reaction to dust and all that is dirty… in short, damak daw ko… char lang!

nadisgrasya akong 800 sa check-up, x-ray, tambal, kaon, plete, ug pedicure while waiting sa doctor… manang, pobre na kaayo ko pag-exit nako sa hospital… nisamot pa gyud ug sa dihang natagbuan nako akong kinugos… lagapak na pud ang 100 kay pinaskuhan kuno… peste,  lupig pa ang taxi meter sa kakusog sa patak sa dutch!

anyway, i’m waiting for my bonus sa sk thingy nako… putragis nang seattle, 500 ra akong natete sa 13th month pay… arang kasensilyo na lang jud! kulang pa na plete padulong toril! waaaah, kelangan nako ug DOM now na!

speaking of DOM… my korean student told me about her husband’s male friend who’s itching to dig a brown vagina… and guess what, she sounded as if she’s recommending him to me! helloeur! giluod akong bitok, nakipag-shake hands pa naman ko atong ungoa! bahong kimchi! langsa! pwe! purya! 

up to now, i’m still trying to figure where my freakin’ chest had gone… my x-ray result says negative chest, and i’m betting it translates to missing chest or something so i thought of looking for it the whole week… waaaah… (T_T)

i still have this terrible cough, and i can’t seem to spit out the phlegm coz it’s holding on to my lungs like a baby monkey on a momma gorilla’s back… shit, what have i done to deserve this?! i’ve tried a lot of medications and still this thing won’t get out of my system!

i can’t enjoy fruit shakes and ice cream… i can’t even eat sweets! how can i have a merry holiday when all i take is medicine plus water?! i even have a strong feeling that i have TB already… my goodness, i can’t die now! i’m one bad grass (masamang damo?), an evil child, i need more time on earth to convert!

i’m shedding pounds and i dunno whether to be grateful or not… well, i’m happy to have worn my 27-inch-waist pants which i last wore when i was 18… that’s a big yehey, i know… but hey, it’s not just weight loss. there are also night sweats plus vomiting. sadly, they are symptoms of pneumonia!… that can’t be!… huhuhu… they say pneumonia needs a couple of months to cure, but i can’t take a leave that long. i’ve got plenty of work to do! i’ve to tend to my constituents in our barangay and also to feed the minds of kimchi-eating aliens with english grammar…

wait, i know i have to make health a priority… so early tomorrow, i’m going to the doctor and have him/her check my lungs… i was supposed to go last weekend but i got so busy that i wasn’t able to squeeze in time for a check-up. and after, movie dates with my cousins and friends… yahoo!

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i went gift-shopping at Victoria Plaza last week and i bumped into May Princess, college classmate. she looked quite different, tired and thin… she’s normally thin but, now, thinner… it’s a good thing i didn’t pursue applying in call centers because of so much stress it can cause me. poor girl, she’s planning to resign any day now.

another friend, miko, was fortunate enough to meet bryanboy in flesh at Greenhills last week… waah, mga bakla! kainggit! bryanboy is a fabulous fag blogger, check his site at www.bryanboy.typepad.com … 

one of my korean students, chester, gave me a gift… such a sweet tot… a cute teddy bear! <kyopta>! i gave him a ballpen and a big pencil in return… hehe… pobre man ko…

we had an opening ceremony for our new office at landco last saturday… and since my boss is korean, he invited all korean students plus his churchmates… i had the chance to witness a korean worship/blessing and it felt super weird listening to their cult-like christian songs… the only word i understood in the whole duration of the ceremony was their ‘amen.’

corina insists for a movie marathon tomorrow… waaah, mamobre ko ug samot! someone please adopt me beh! now na! huhuhu…

christmas won’t be too merry anymore this year. i had just lost my greatgrandfather (november) and uncle (december). should we celebrate? how? they say that people shouldn’t mourn over someone’s death, instead it should be thanked for coz it only means that they’re free from sufferings and all that.

but i have a problem. they both died of pneumonia plus other complicated illnesses. i have been in contact with them before their bye-byes. i have a cough, it’s more than a month now. i’m afraid i might have gotten this from them coz if it’s normal cough then it would have been cured after a week or so. i’ve tried a lot of medications and they’re not working so well. i went to the doctor, she said acute bronchitis. i had my x-ray, it said negative chest. what the heck was that? is there also a positive chest? i don’t understand the explanation coz my mom was the one who talked to whoever in the hospital. i’m coughing so hard, and it’s embarrassing specially when i have my tutorial classes. it’s giving me a hard time. sometimes when i wake up early in the morning, i can’t breathe properly. feels like i’m dying or something. shit. i’m planning to take a leave from work so i can rest coz the doctor says it might be because of stress. blah. whatever. i want all the phlegm out of my lungs! now na!

anyway, i hope everybody will have a merry merry christmas and a happy new year. (T_T)

Issue #1 - i prayed for one but it doesn’t really mean that i’m ready. or maybe i am. so unsure. it came, and now i’m struggling. i don’t know how to handle it.

questions fill my mind. is it my own malice that gives color to things happening around me? am i taking things too personally? the answer would be a big yes, obviously. but i refuse to take it.
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Issue #2 - i know what normal is. normal means acceptable and usual. well, i know it would depend really on someone’s background — values, traditions, and what-have-yous. but normal won’t apply to what i have experienced.
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Issue #3 - my parents would always tell me to share whatever i have… but it’s a different thing when you share something with a person who’s shown you signs of admiration… it would have been better if i managed things voluntarily, but it was all more of an unwanted obligation. it’s funny. hmmm, not really… i wanna laugh it off, but that’s too fake of me. this isn’t that serious… yet! slowly, i can feel it creeping towards me. i guess it’s easier to just let things fly by, don’t you think?

you’re inches away but i can’t seem to hold you…

could you be more subtle? i’m losing my mind…

don’t be harsh please, you push me too hard…

i want to let go, honestly, but i don’t need to…

tell me it’s okay, i beg of you!

life is full of surprises…i know… but why do you have to be one of them?

i think of so many things these past few days… i think about my work, family, friends, plans and you…

okay, so obviously i am so into you… like you invade my mind every minute of the day… i always daydream of you and me in a white sand beach cozying up in a hammock while listening to Mariah Carey’s "My All"… so sweet, sensual, intoxicating… 

but why did you have to leave me like a little beggar on the road?! i only want a bit of your oh-so-precious time… but you are selfish! brute!

you left me maimed… i dunno what to say or how to react to your surprises… i felt dumb… ’twas so silly of me to want you… you were in front of me, yet i couldn’t do shit about it… this just sucks all my guts out…

i guess the friendliest word next to fuck is okay… so i’m just gonna say OKAY! it’s all okay with me… but honestly it still sucks not being able to own you! yeah, OWN you like a toy dog! punyemas, had i known you’d slip through my hand like sand, i would’ve been nicer… but i think i wasn’t so you ran away with that "pusang-gala"! pakyu man! you hit me hard with that!

i know, i should’ve known better!!!

enough of this crap… let me just tell you… i’m now gathering all my energy to flush you out of my system… i’m working hard on it!

well i guess this letter ends here…

Sincerely,

MOI

Yellow world!

i can’t believe what just happened today. this life sucks. my morning started really really fun and exciting and suddenly my luck flipped upside down. my first class (writing) was ok, then i had a blast with this korean mom, another student of course. after those two classes, i went straight to my third classroom as i always do. but unfortunately someone was in there. a teacher whom i barely know.

ME: where is your room? (calmly; not-happy-not-mad face)
TEACHER1: there… (pointing to next room)
ME: are you not gonna use your room? (blank face)
TEACHER1: we’re having class here (2D) because my student doesn’t want to stay in 2E because it’s smelly and hot.
ME: Okay.

then i thought everything’s fine after that short talk. eventually, somebody is also using 2E so i had to ask the other teacher (B) to transfer… then B informed me that my student won’t be coming so i offered her to use ‘na lang’ 2E. she said no, but it’s fine naman with her.

after a few minutes, TEACHER1’s student (korean girl) went out looking for me. i was so shocked when she approached me coz she looked like she wanted to punch me or something. she was blabbing and pointing her finger at me in front of some teachers and a student…obviously she was throwing a bitch fit and i was left blank. i was not afraid but rather surprised since i know i didn’t do anything that would offend her.

Student: Are you teacher Oje?

ME: Yes. Why? (confused look)

STUDENT: If you have problems with me, tell me. blah blah…

ME: Are you mad at me? (shock mode)

STUDENT: I was the one who told teacher to transfer… yaddi yadda…

ME: I definitely have no problem with you, it’s okay if you use that room… again, i have no problem with you… i’m actually so surprised… (well, shock was a better word!)

her english wasn’t that good so i can hardly understand or remember the things she was blabbing about… that confrontation was clearly out of place… in fact, it’s really a stupid act… well, i would say that it’s more of the teacher’s fault… she need not tell her student about something so unimportant… because as far as i am concerned, i wasn’t being sarcastic when i asked her about the room… i wasn’t even mad or offended if they used the room without informing me… because in the first place, that room was assigned to me and my student, so they’re not supposed to use someone’s room without prior notice or permission… i was clearly the victim, not them… and then, after the student confronted me in front of other teachers and a student… and the student shouldn’t have come in to the picture since it was a teacher to teacher thingy… i was not at all mad at her, it’s more of ‘i got irritated with the petty behavior of her teacher’…

after their class, i talked to both of them… i told them i was completely shocked about how the student acted. i didn’t know that the teacher didn’t like me asking about them using my room.even if they used the room, i won’t mind at all.it’s actually okay with me. they can use it as long as they provide me with another one to transfer to.i didn’t even ask them to transfer. in fact, i gave way. so i really see no reason why the two should be mad at me.

the teacher said i was being sarcastic when i said ‘daw’ na ‘why don’t you just use your room?’ and she got so pissed off with me. well, the fact is that i didn’t say that. i said ‘teacher, where’s your room?’ and i was polite when i asked her that. and i’m not the type who would act so mean to someone i barely know.it wasn’t my fault if she’s half deaf… as far as i can remember i was being polite.i calmly asked her, and i didn’t blame her or something.

they aren’t really my type of people, and we’re not even friendly friends. so even if they are still pissed with me, i don’t care at all. i have explained my side, and it’s up to them if they believe me or not. i was aggravated but i said sorry sincerely. i was sorry not because i admit i did wrong, but i was sorry because things happened that way. but i still think that teacher is so petty nobody loves her but her mom. she should have handled things professionally. instead, she told people about the incident and made a big deal out of things. yes she also said sorry to me, but in a really mean tone. but she will be gone for a month starting tomorrow so it’s now more of a ‘thank God i won’t see her face on Christmas’ drama.

i didn’t feel guilty about things because i know i’m a good person. that teacher and that student don’t know me so they can’t judge me like that. i am never mean.i can be sarcastic, yes, but i will never be rude to someone especially if they are my workmates or students…

things have to happen… maybe this is just one test to know if i can still face problems with poise and grace… speaking of poise and grace, i tripped on the stairs this morning…waah…another blooper… shoot, i’m counting bad lucks today! this issue, really, is nothing compared to the problems i have in my job as a sangguniang kabataan  chair. i’ve seen worse days, and i am now too immune with humiliation and misinterpretation and misunderstanding. i’ve worked with too many kinds of people since i was 15 years old. my 5 years experience in politics taught me how to face challenges and solve issues. as far as i know, we have apologized to each other and that we are OK now. i just hope people would be ‘humans’ enough to respect my being quiet about this petty issue.

i wrote this blog just so i could release the negative energy in my body. this is one way of cleansing my spirit from the dark cloud that urges me to cut a teacher and a student’s throat and to bleed them dry. okay, so that’s just a joke. hehe.

whoa… i can’t believe i have abandoned this thing for a month now… okay, so maybe i’m not really the blogger type but i’ll try  to make a way to keep this thing going since i am jobless and i have all the freedom in the world to waste some shit on this part of the cyberworld…

time for updates galore…

i graduated from my call center agent finishing course last friday, 20th of october… it was fun… but not as fun as eating chocolate while cozying alone in a hammock by the beach somewhere in samal island… we dined out, 20 of us, at jo’s inatô along quirino st. ’twas a fine place… there was a homey feel about it that i ‘loves’ it with all my hungry heart… maybe because it was originally an old dilapidated house, sorta like the spanish cribs back in the 70s or earlier… or because it looked exactly the same as my greatgrandparents’ house where I used to play a lot when I was still a charming tot… after dining, we also went to a ktv bar and sang our hearts out… ate arlynne even dropped some tears in the middle of a very emo song… haha… such a softie…

friday morning i had my final interview for that call center agent job i so wanted… it went on fine but i mistakenly headed for the door when i heard the interviewer said "done" but didn’t actually meant i had to go… so i went kinda crazy after that coz it showed how nervous i was so i sat back to my chair… i was so embarrassed that i wanted to choke myself to death for that blunder… then he went on saying that i should call come monday to inquire about the status of my application, then he finally let me go and warned me to be careful i might trip due to my nervousness while i head out for the door… i just hated myself for being so fidgety in that interview… it kinda looked like i was so eager to finish that interview in a flash so i could simply run out from that room feeling scared of being eaten by a humongous monster in the name of allan… hey, i’m not trying to be rude… i just imagined… haha…

so today’s a monday… and i called 6-11 global services at 9am but unfortunately the HR officer is out of town, in panabo for a job fair… they advised for us, the applicants, to call on Wednesday instead… shoot, God knows how thrilled I am to start the training today… but hell, I can’t… I hate waiting you know…

my mom’s going to zamboanga tomorrow, and dad’s camping with the boy scouts somewhere in matanao… he’s a teacher, he’s got young boys to baby-sit… well, i haven’t been in any of those places yet… in fact, I have not been to any places that is not in the vicinity of davao region… poor me… but I do promise to one day go jet-setting and just enjoy the world on my own… but for now, I think I’ll be contented with browsing on the internet… at least I know where ibiza, maldives and palau are… it really pays to be inquisitive…

mom and I went to gaisano south and sm this afternoon. we bought some things for her trip. we bought boy scout uniforms for my dad too. me, i busied myself buying a new underwire brassiere and 6 cute panties… yes, it’s weird to actually let everyone know that I got some new underwear… but it’s not like it’s odd to be hygienic and to change undies every once in a while, right? Haha. putik! this feels awkward.

i think i must end this entry now. wahaha. Notice how I started blabbing about the call center thingy, moving to jet-setting, and ending in underwear shopping? punyemas, paki-“connect the dots” na lang!

P.S. i love star wars but i wouldn’t dare wear a thing next to looking like c3po. anyway, hooray to balenciaga for this futuristic creation!